Babies I Need Your Lovin'

Tom's bar mitzvah was perfect. It involved no synagogue. I understood everything he said and so did Ben and daddy. There was a guy daddy and I dubbed the "party Jew" who taught the kids to balance peacock feathers on their fingers . He looked seriously soulful, Chagallian, (Chagallesque?) and more than a tiny bit bored. He danced, balancing a champagne bottle on his head and taught the kids to do the same while wearing yamulkes. He reminded us of Nick Meyers. Gali looked glorious and happy and spoke publicly and in English. The food was yummy.
So, as we approach my Centennial of Bloch-Wehbadom (50+20+21+9) I realize I want to speak at the event. I want to say something pithy and beautiful and funny and...so I'm warning you. There aren't that many formal occasions when you lead such a casual life and I observe a cavalcade of daily lessons about what I want to learn and what I want to teach. I want there to be dancing and I want to not fight. Okay?
Love,
Yomama

Mother's Day Promo Mail

Today I wandered over to my mailbox in search of some information that would tell me how to reapply to college, this time in German (more on that later), only to find more promotional mail from the Mommy Mailing List I've somehow wound up on. No photo because I had to ditch this package as fast as humanly possible. I received a lone organic (Pure 'n Natural) Huggies diaper, encased in advertising material that said, "Have a Happy and Healthy Pregnancy!" and something about how my baby is almost here. On that last count, they are certainly wrong, but the only way to get off this mailing list is to send a letter, and I don't have a stamp. Plus I want to see what comes next. Diaper ointment? Wipes? Pacifiers, bottles, silicone nipples?

On another note, remember that time Ben had goopy eyes? I hope my baby doesn't have goopy eyes. MOMMY MAILING LIST, ARE YOU LISTENING?

similac can!

Inspired by the following:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkI2ZIUgzAg


I offer:

Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew
Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two
The Similac can, oh the Similac can
The Similac can 'cause it mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh
Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie
The Similac can, the Similac can
The Similac can 'cause it mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

The Similac makes
everything it bakes
satisfying and delicious
Talk about your childhood wishes,
You can even eat the dishes

Oh, who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Similac can, oh the Similac can
The Similac can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

The Similac makes everything he bakes satisfying and delicious
Talk about your childhood wishes, you can even eat the dishes

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Similac can, the Similac can
The Similac can 'cause it mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
Yes, the Similac can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
a-Similac can, a-Similac can, a-Similac can
Similac can, a-Similac can, a-Similac can
Similac can, a-Similac can, a-Similac can

Whatever goes on two legs is an enemy.

Yesterday I got into a tiff with someone because s/he asked, "Wait, where does pork come from again?" and I responded incredulously, like any Bloch-Wehba would, and not just because it's a stupid question. Hannah, I'm back on the porkmobile!

What's with all the Similac posts?

Imagine my excitement when I returned home from a day out to find a USPS package slip taped to the outside door. What's that? A package? For me? Unfortunately no one had been home to sign for it so my mysterious present would have to be picked up from the post office.

Of course my usual thoughts raced — who would be sending me a package? Ted Kaczynski is still in prison, right? And that anthrax guy is dead? So who could it be? Like those of a goldfish, my thoughts quickly dissipated.
"Look, Mom! I got a package!" I exclaimed. A package! How rare, and what perfect timing — I was home for spring break!
"Yeah but... It says the sender is 'Similac.'"
"I know, but probably whoever sent it just used an old box and the post office got confused."

So Mommy picked it up for me. Lo and behold, no one had recycled an old box. It was indeed a package, bestowing two cans of Similac baby formula and some inapplicable literature: "And now, life with baby begins!" Apparently, this baby formula company has purchased the personal information of potentially fertile women such as myself and Hannah, who has also gotten promotional materials. Or maybe they've taken their marketing campaign too literally — "Everything we do is inspired by moms" — and are now peddling to all women, pregnant or not, who live their lives similarly. Aww. Mommy, you can thank me later.

Similac showdown (no apologies to this Neil)

I love, I love my Similac girl
Yeah, sweet Similac girl
I love, I love, I love my Similac girl
Each and every day of the year.

(January) you start the year off fine
(February)you're my little valentine
(March)I'm gonna march you down the aisle
(April) You're the Easter Bunny when you smile

Yeah, yeah, my heart's in a whirl
I love, I love my little Similac girl
Every day (every day), every day (every day) of the year
(Every day of the year)

(May) Maybe if I ask your dad and mom
(June)They'll let me take to you to the Junior prom
(July) like a firecracker all aglow
(August) When you're on the beach you steal the show

Yeah, yeah, my heart's in a whirl
I love, I love, I love my little Similac girl
Every day (every day), every day (every day) of the year
(every day of the year)

(September)Light the candles ay your sweet sixteen
(October) Romeo and Juliet on Halloween
(November)I'll give thanks that you belong to me
(December)You're the present 'neath my Christmas tree

Yeah, yeah, my heart's in a whirl
I love, i love , I love my little Similac girl
Every day (every day), every day (every day) of the year).

Similac Girl 2.0

I am an orphan on God's highway
But I'll share my troubles if you go my way
I have no mother, no father
No sister, no brother
I am a Similac girl

I have had friendships pure and golden
But the ties of kinship I have not known them
I know no mother, no father
No sister, no brother
I am a Similac girl

But when He calls me I will be able
To meet my family at God's table
I'll meet my mother, my father
My sister, my brother
No more a Similac girl

Blessed Similac make me willing
And walk beside me until I'm with them
Be my mother, my father
My sister, my brother
I am a Similac girl